This is my grief

Copyright 2024 by Emily Bowen, all rights reserved


The grief is strong

like the death of a friend

Today I mourn for what we have lost

We failed our daughters and ourselves

    We let hate win 

        But we are not going back 


That is why I am allowing myself to grieve

    Because I have already walked through this darkness

        I have seen personally what happens when people put a man above God

            I have felt the despair and the anguish


I did not leave my former church because I wanted to

    I was pushed out 

        By the pastor and those that supported him  


The act of leaving cost me everything

    It took away my church family

        It took away friendships

            It took away a sense of belonging


And it left me feeling alone and broken


I left because I was being emotionally and spiritually abused by the pastor of that church 

    My leaving triggered a lot of big feelings from people

        I was told repeatedly that I needed to "forgive and forget"

            I was given books, pep talks, and unsolicited advice on the topic

                But no one addressed the abuse

                    I was just supposed to move on and let it go 


Except forgiveness and reconciliation don't work that way

    It never has

I forgave the pastor

    I did it for myself

        So I could heal

But that doesn't mean that he is sorry

    As far as I can tell

        He has never been sorry about what he did


Leaving was the only healthy choice I had left

    But by creating a healthy boundary

        I found myself at odds with those within the church 

            Suddenly, it mattered that I left 

            It became personal to those that stayed

            Because now I was "the enemy" 

                And have been treated as such


My grief has collided with the trauma 

     That I relive every time I visit my old church

        If it hurts so much, why do I go back?

            Because there are people that I love

                And I miss them

           

Besides, if I don't go and shine a light into that vast darkness

Who will? 


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